How now?

A while back, I was in the locker room of a popular golf club in the Klang Valley when a group of people started streaming in. Apparently, there was some golf tournament going on and many VIP’s were participants in this tournament. As I was putting on my shoes, I couldn’t help but hear how the majority of these gentlemen were addressing each other. A typical conversation would go like this:

A: “How are you Datuk? Long time no see…”
B: “I’m OK, Tan Sri, just been a bit busy lately….”
C: “But for golf there’s always time lah hah, Datuk? Ha ha ha …! ”
B: “Ya lah, Datuk … golf is sacred …. ha ha ha…!”.
C: "By the way, Tan Sri, I heard your handicap now 8 already...?”
A: “No lah, Datuk, don’t listen to those fellas, they are trying to scare you…”
D: “But Tan Sri, Datuk XYZ himself told me he played with you that day and it’s true…”
A: “Hai, Datuk, don’t listen to Datuk XYZ lah … he likes to exaggerate, just like Datuk ABC. Those two are real buaya lah…”
B: “Ya lah, Datuk XYZ and Datuk ABC always doing this, trying to confuse us with their tactics, ya Datuk? Tan Sri?"
E: “Ei, Tan Sri, Datuk, Datuk, Datuk .... (nodding one-by-one to all) it’s time to go, otherwise we’ll end up at the back“.

All: “Eh Datuk, you also here? Ha ha ha …! Yeah, we better make a move…” (Proceed to golf course).

With all that going on, one thing crossed my mind. I thought “What if someone were a newly-minted Datuk (or any other honorific title) and nobody else knew about it”? Wouldn’t the poor bloke feel a tad left out, with everyone merrily addressing each other correctly, except for him?

So, with a bit of help from my past observations and a little additional thought, I have decided to produce a list of substantive measures which may be employed by such poor blokes to (subtly) let everyone know, wherever they go, that they have been elevated to a higher plane in the social order. This list is of course, not exhaustive and any other (constructive) suggestions are welcome.

I hope this will be of help to those among us who aspire to achieve such heights some day.

LIST OF MEASURES:

1. Have your employees or your subordinates at work quietly “suggest” to your company’s major suppliers and service providers that you have been so honoured. They should then feel compelled to take out several (at least 5) full page ads in each major language daily to congratulate you. Make sure you have abundant copies left in the reception area of your office for the next 2 weeks.

2. Find out immediately if there is any association for people of similar standing in the State from which you received your award. You may or may not be interested in their activities, but it’s important to get that association badge to adorn the front and back of all your cars. This way, all your neighbours will be subtly informed of your new status without you having to drop other hints.

3. Do not go into any meetings first. Always send your secretary or your subordinates into the room first to inform the other party that “Datuk So-and-So will be with us in a few minutes...”. What if you’re going alone for an important sales pitch to a potential new client? No sweat… just have your secretary call ahead to inform them that “Dato’ So-and-So is on the way and will be there shortly…”. This way, your potential client will be suitably pleased that someone of your standing would slog halfway across town just to see him and the contract would be as good as yours.

4. Never, ever go into a restaurant without a reservation, even if it’s normally as dead as the National Library on Christmas Eve. Have your PA call ahead to make a reservation under the name of Datuk So-and-So for 7.30 pm or whatever. If you do not have a PA or you are at home on a Sunday evening preparing to go out for dinner with your family, have your wife or daughter call instead to make the reservation. Please make sure your daughter is at least 13 years or older, otherwise her squeaky voice would be a dead giveaway. This way, when you arrive at the restaurant, you will be suitably greeted by the restaurant manager and all the staff, within earshot of anyone else patronising the exalted establishment.

5. The same applies for hotel and any other bookings, especially for theatrical plays and social events attended by the Who’s Who of Malaysian society. The objective is to have as many of the hotel / theatre / establishment personnel recognize you for who you are and address you accordingly. Don’t forget to leave a hefty tip for service staff who readily acknowledge your place in society. This way, they will easily remember you the next time you are back.

6. Whenever you arrive back in Malaysia from any overseas trip, have your driver stand at the arrival hall holding a big placard with the words “Datuk So-and-So” written on it in BIG BOLD LETTERS. This is especially important if there are other important contacts / business associates traveling with you. Even if there aren’t any to begin with, who knows who you might meet or get to know in the First Class compartment of the plane? First impressions count, so don’t leave anything to chance.

7. Print a new set of business cards with your new title on it right next to your name. Some people may be uncomfortable giving out their new card to people they already know or have met before. If you find yourself falling into this category, don’t worry, just change the name of your company slightly or launch a new corporate logo. Then you can say “Hey Paul, how you like my new company logo? Here, have a look, this is my new card…” (with new title suitably included). Changing your office telephone or fax number would necessitate an even more urgent widespread dissemination of your new business card, but many would find this strategy fraught with obvious inconveniences. It’s probably best to keep things simple, as long as the same ends are achieved.

8. As far as possible, try to go for social functions with someone who knows your newly-acquired status and addresses you accordingly in front of everyone else you may meet. Your old friend from high school who has been calling you “Bob” for the last 40 years may not fulfill this role correctly, so it’s probably time to think about ditching him for a new set of best friends. This is especially important for those “Old Boys’ Gatherings” ‘cos hey, you want everyone to know just how far you’ve come since the old SMJK-whatever days when you were all catching toads in the school longkang.

9. If you have any child of marriageable age who is yet unmarried, try your utmost to convince him / her about the virtues of marital bliss and push the hapless child in the right direction. This is probably one of the best tools which can be employed, as a wedding in the family will enable you to proudly print your name on the wedding invitation, to be sent out to every man and his dog that you know or have ever come across.

Well, that concludes my list for now. It goes without saying that such measures should only be employed by those who HAVE actually been bestowed with such titles. For those who haven’t yet, well, you’ll just have to start pulling your own weight for the betterment of your community and society.

Perhaps in time, your contributions will be recognised and duly rewarded. Till then, good luck and all the best!